What Are Boundaries and How Do I Implement Them?
I will never forget this topic being brought up to me as I fumbled over my words with my life coach during our consultation. I felt like that same college student in my public speaking class during my first presentation. In my most southern voice, “Bless Her Heart”. I do not know how she listened to me that day. It’s almost like everything I had ever felt, seen, heard and even forgotten came rushing out all at once.
I was in an unknown place within myself because I had done the caretaking, helping and fixing all my life. I was good at it even. What was now happening that I could no longer give more of myself to others than I was able to give to myself? I enjoyed hearing, “I don’t know how you do it!” This was a phrase I took as a compliment. However, this phrase was actually a testament to how much I put other’s needs above my own.
What are boundaries? How do I recognize them? Understand that there are different types of boundaries.
I will focus on the areas in which I realized I had no boundary set in most of my relationships. Keep in mind, the different types of boundaries will generally overlap in the ways you understand them.
Physical Boundary-Could be defined simply as protecting your personal space. It is actually much broader than that and while personal space could include touching or even how close someone stands next to you it could actually be comments on your personal appearance. This is where physical and emotional boundaries will overlap. In todays society, access we give others through our virtual world are an area where boundaries should be established, as well.
Mental or Emotional Boundary-Described as the right to have your own thoughts and feelings without the need to take care of other people’s feelings. Eastablishing this boundary gives you the right to not have your thoughts or feelings invalidated. You are only accountable for your own feelings which provides emotional safety by respecting each other within the relationship.
How did I get this way? Do other people struggle with boundaries? There are many reasons people find it difficult to implement boundaries. Yes, most people have this issue. You are not alone!
Enmeshment refers to relationships that have become so intertwined that boundaries are nonexistent or identical. While this concept most often occurs between a primary caregiver and their child, it can also happen in romantic relationships. (The Attachment Project)
During childhood, there may have been no difference from what you needed apart from your parents or siblings. You may have been expected to have the same beliefs as a family unit. This could include religion, culture, values and so much more. Family over everything, right? When you are young you rely on family or those around you to meet your needs. As you get older and venture into adulthood, you are now the responsible party for having your needs met. But wait, I don’t even know what I need to do to meet my needs. I could not even begin to tell you what my needs are at this point.
It goes much broader than that…JUST WAIT
As a child, can you remember a time when there was a stressful situation that hit the household and everyone felt it? Job loss? Divorce? It could be something as simple as people in your childhood bringing work home. Maybe, your father had an argument with a lifelong friend? And everyone in the home felt the stress of the situation. Ever heard the phrase, “its always something”. I still hear this today.
You are now bonding over an emotional experience when the experience was never actually your own. This gives a false sense of connection when in reality, the way a divorce affects parents and children are completely different. Was there ever room in these situations for you to feel and even communicate YOUR emotion?
insert…EMOTIONAL CONTAGION
Emotional contagion can best described as adopting the emotional state they see in other people. (Misery loves company. Laughter is contagious)
How do I fix this? You mean, “how do I begin to implement boundaries” because something can only be fixed if it was broken. This is a new concept for you.
I began seeing my interactions from a birds eye view. This takes work, practice and even patience. Whether these relationships were physical, emotional or spiritual, the implementation of boundaries is a concept that enables us to honor our own needs. In turn, you are able to have a more authentic relationship with the other person as well as within yourself. How do you know when this is a relationship in which a boundary needs to be set? Easy…how do you feel around this person or any time you have an interaction? The hard part is deciding how you intend on setting the boundary and maintaining it with someone that is quite use to you always showing up for them even when not asked.
Are they “emotional dumping”? Do you feel unseen in this environment but realize you are always there for the monologue about the things that bother them? What this now breeds is resentment. Why am I always listening to their trials of the day or week or year but never get asked about myself? You find yourself aggravated with a person and they do not even have a clue because you have always been emotionally available to them. As you realize you are the one that has let this continue you begin to resent yourself. Why am I letting this happen? Because they’re my friend, of course. Because they’re family. Maybe a boss. Co-Worker. Spouse.
THE WORK
The idea of implementing boundaries is a way to protect yourself and emotional wellbeing. This is not a process in which we ask others around us to change for us. We are changing the way in which we interact with people in these relationships.
What is the boundary?
Can you watch yourself in these situations, consciously? Do you know your limits? Maybe you cannot answer that as you think about it but the feeling you have in these situations will help you determine where to implement a boundary.
Give yourself grace in this phase. Ask yourself a few questions:
Why do I roll my eyes when this person calls?
Is it hard for me to get a word in with this person?
Why am I uneasy around this person?
How did I get into this uncomfortable position?
If you find yourself in a position that feels uncomfortable, remove yourself energetically or physically. I will never forget a time when someone entered a room with me and a few others that were having a pleasant conversation. They immediately filled the room with negative commentary about another person and a recent event. I became quite frustrated in the fact that we were completely interrupted regarding a subject matter that was actually none of our business. To keep from embarrassing the person and possibly even myself I walked into another room, the bathroom. Haha, no one follows me there except maybe my dogs. I took a few breaths. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and exhale for 4 seconds. You tend to concentrate on breathing rather than the issue. I reentered with a new perspective and slowly changed the subject. This is one of those moments that establishing your boundary is not possible in front of an audience, while frustrated, would not be the best scenario. However, showing that person that you are not going to be involved in that conversation is a way to protect yourself in the moment.
In an event where you may not be able to physically remove yourself, I have a few things I like to do. When you begin to absorb the negative emotion that someone in the room may have, disconnect. If it is a confrontation, I will continue a mantra in my head, “this is not about me, this is not about me”. Try saying your name in your head then spelling it out, “Tiffany, T I F F A N Y”. I get so focused on spelling it correctly that I forget that I almost engaged in a situation that was not going to serve me.
Set the boundary.
Timing is everything in this phase. During an argument will never be the right time. The conversation should use language that is reflective of how you feel. Instead of, “You make me feel uncomfortable when you raise your voice”. Try, “I feel uncomfortable when your voice is raised.” OR Instead of, “You always make remarks that are rude and disrespectful to my beliefs”. Try, “I respect your beliefs and hope that you can respect mine by not using this language around me”.
Remember, not all situations will warrant an explanation of your boundary. You can communicate your boundaries through action in a few cases. The emotional dumper continuously calls for their daily update of “its always something”. You do not always have to answer. Send a text and simply say, “Sorry, I missed you. I am with the family right now.” Maybe you have to answer in which case you can simply say, “I am so sorry you are experiencing this but I am tied up at the moment and need to run.” I tend to communicate it, jokingly. ED: “I tried to call you yesterday.” Me: “You know I disconnect when I am with my family. (insert a HAHA)”
The other person will play a role in your new boundary but you have to decide how “I” will be different. The boundary you are setting is for you. Think before you speak and ensure you are not emotionally activated so that the communication comes across the way you intend.
Obviously, there are situations where you do not have to be as kind in establishing your boundary as it relates to your physical comfort.
Maintain. (the hard part)
Once you have set your boundaries it can feel silly when you slide backward. You do all of this work to figure out what you need to do, you do it and then fail. It takes practice. Try not to view it as a failure but instead a moment of truth.
I had worked on boundaries for over a year at this point and put myself in a situation because someone else mentioned they needed help. They did not even ask me for it. I threw myself right in there and now I was being depended upon. I was obligated to this person and as much as I tried to convey that this was no longer serving me it just kept coming. I remember talking to my husband and realized that I knew better than to put myself in that situation. That I gave this person an opportunity to expect something of me and then I felt obligated to help them. This boundary took some negotiation but in order to maintain the relationship sometimes that is part of the process.
Remember that you set these boundaries for you. For your own self expression and your self love. Maintaining the boundary becomes easier after you have exercised that muscle a bit and started to be truthful with yourself about what you need and who you want to be. As a people pleaser, helper, caretaker and fixer it is hard to not attach yourself to the emotion of others but it is not yours to feel. What will serve you to be your most authentic self? The best version of you?
Honestly, you are the only one with the answer.
